Validation and invalidation

"It's been great to have a ton of bi people, in this case men, around me," fellow group member James Bernstein noted. "I think it's very normalizing. Mike always says, 'This isn't a support group; it's a social club,' but at every meeting, we have conversations about very deep stuff, like coming out and people's experiences. It is just very normalizing to hear so many similar stories. I think it's normal for bi people to come out a little later than our gay and lesbian counterparts, so it felt good, too, to be like, I'm not rare. It's really validating to have a bi-specific space."

The group offers a break from a world full of criticism, misunderstanding, and invalidation. There, the men's struggles are valid, and discussing experiences is helpful to all members. "It's a huge help," added Juan, another group member, who did not want to use his last name. "Just talking about our experiences, like when did we first realize we were different, how are we dealing with it now? Are we in relationships? Family acceptance and all that stuff. We do talk about it, and it helps. And I think for all the new members that are still a little less secure, it helped them to be like, 'Oh yeah, this is fine, this is normal.' So it's a great, great meetup."

In sharing experiences, many of the men in the group have found validation in identities so often dismissed by others. In fact, the dismissal of bisexuality, by both straight and Gay friends alike, is a common experience of many of the men in the club. Juan recalled coming out to friends and family as Bisexual: "With gay men, some had the same sort of comments: 'You're just confused' or 'You're just not out yet,' and 'Oh, don't worry, just give it a couple of years; you're just in the transitional bisexual period that a lot of gay men go through.' But I pretty much knew from the get-go that wasn't me."

The experience of invalidation felt by members of the Bisexual community was echoed throughout the club. "A few people in the LGBTQ community assumed this was my stepping stone to Gaytown, and in two or three years I would tell them I was actually gay the whole time," said Shaw.

"The question that always annoyed me was 'Are you more gay or more straight'?" Juan explained when recalling similar experiences of invalidation. "I'm like, well, I'm with you, so if you want to put a label on it, just say I'm with you and committed to the person."

The experience of coming out, only to be invalidated and assumed to be Gay, is a common trope the male Bisexual community faces, as opposed to the assumptions Bi women are subject to. "I read a quote that was something like 'Bisexual men are actually gay men trying not to get attention, and bisexual women are actually straight women trying to get attention,'" Shaw recalled as we discussed the prevalence of the male gaze, even in Queer communities.

"Yeah, I think it's almost the [corollary] of all the terrible stigmas bi women get, that they're just going to leave you for a man, [that] phallocentrism that we all just want to be with men," added Bernstein.

If understanding that sexuality exists on a spectrum is the hardest concept for those who struggle with biphobia, the next hardest concept to grasp is that attraction to men is not always superior to attraction to women.



Erasure and taking space in the community


Bernstein elaborated more on the phenomenon of erasure, sharing with me the story of his first relationship with a man. "I wasn't out when I was dating, so I was mainly dating women," he explained. "I only had one real, maybe two, small flings with guys.

"Because I wasn't out, the only time I actually had a short relationship with a guy was when I was studying abroad in Guatemala, and I was completely away from everyone I knew, and it felt like a safe place to experiment. It was funny, because he was bi too. Once our friend group realized we were dating, they were all like, 'We knew it, we knew there was something different about you,' and then immediately I was just gay to everyone. I remember realizing people can't deal with nuance.

"It felt kind of scary, knowing that it's hard to really be seen as bi. So when I moved back to the States, I didn't really come out. I started dating my current partner and didn't feel the need to come out until recently."

Bisexuality, by definition, is a sexuality of fluidity, existing outside of the binary. However, attraction is invisible. For Bisexual people in relationships, what is visible — the gender of their partner — is what becomes the definition of one's sexuality. It is hard for people to see a man with a woman and understand that he may also still be attracted to men.

It can be hard for outsiders to the Bisexual community to understand how one might feel attraction to both men and women. Bernstein is a Bisexual man, married to a woman, and his choice of a partner has led him to sometimes feel further alienation from the LGBTQ community. "I just get the sense from some of my gay friends that they don't see that I should have the same amount of space in the community," Bernstein said. "I mean, I've been in a straight-presenting relationship for the majority of my adult life, and now it feels like I have to be so loud to be seen, and I am constantly overlooked, and feeling like I'm not queer enough to wear the label or be in the community."

Challenges

These feelings of isolation, of not being "gay enough" for the LGBTQ community but also not "straight enough" for the heterosexual community, and this difficulty to be understood, even by other members of the LGBTQ community, lead many Bisexuals to stay in the closet, and often not even understand their own sexuality until later in life.

"It was a journey," Shaw said about his own coming-out experience. "Like Juan and James too, I think for bi men, you probably will notice [they] come out later in life, because it is a bit of a journey. You're trying to figure yourself out."

Bisexuality is a spectrum, and Mike, Juan, and James all have their own unique experiences. Mike is in a committed relationship with a man, Juan is currently exploring the dating scene, and James has been married to his wife for several years. However, they also all understand the importance of validating each other.

Regardless of what their relationship statuses look like, all three men face different struggles when it comes to being seen as Bisexual. For Mike, the struggle is being seen as Gay and just "not ready to come out." Many have questioned James' need to come out, since he is in a straight-presenting relationship.

For Juan, and others in the dating pool, the challenges can be even more daunting. "It is tricky, because I don't approach dating as I did when I was younger, before I came out as bisexual," Juan said, "so now it's more pursuing a person, and I find that dating gay men is really hard because they have their own... notions, they have their own experience in coming out and what that's like, and a lot of time they put that experience and that baggage into a relationship and onto me."

Bernstein also commented on the struggles Bi men face when out in the dating world. "I'm not dating, but I have heard from countless people, namely women, that they wouldn't date bi men. Kind of like you're inferior because of that."

The demasculinization placed on Queer men can be very harmful to their self-esteem, as it equates sexuality to gender identity, reinforcing that both should exist on parallel binaries.

Hidden in plain sight

"I think that, quite frankly, bisexual men are everywhere," Mike explained. "They are kind of the main group in 'LGBTQ,' they're probably the most hidden — I think something like only 12% of them are out. Unfortunately I think it is sort of a chicken-and-egg scenario: I think that Bi guys will feel more comfortable coming out if people accept them more, if people don't think of them as less masculine, if people don't reject them from a dating perspective. Unfortunately, I don't think other people will come around on those things until more guys come out.

"I think we're hidden away, but we're everywhere, and you know, my group is kind of meant to be a safe space, where those people who are most hidden can feel comfortable."

Empowerment and inclusivity

The Bisexual Men's Group is empowering Bi men around the Seattle area to engage in these difficult conversations, to question binaries and relearn so much of what society teaches us about sex and gender. Regardless of what relationship these men are presenting, regardless if they are out or not, regardless of what others might say, once a week they find a safe space to be visible and feel valid. There are still many misconceptions about bisexuality, and while it is not the job of Bisexuals to educate others on their identities, the guys did have a few tips on how to be more Bi-inclusive.

First, stop assuming someone's sexuality based on their current choice of partner. "Even in the queer community, not just saying, 'Oh, that's a gay couple,' 'Oh, that's a lesbian couple.' Don't define someone's sexuality until they actually tell you," Bernstein said. "You can say, 'Oh, a same-gendered couple' or something, and maybe that's a little more inclusive."

Second, let Bisexuals come out in their own time. "I think people should honestly do what they feel comfortable with. There are many guys in my group who won't come out, and they have many reasons why." Shaw said, noting that a majority of Bisexual men aren't publicly out. "For a lot of guys, coming out is a personal choice, and I don't hold it against them. They'll do it when they feel comfortable with it."