Many of us have Valentine-related memories as far back as elementary school, where classmates would hand out handwritten notes and chocolates to express affection and platonic love to one another.

Over time, the holiday would morph into something different and uniquely lovely for us: a day for us to focus attention on partners and spouses and dote on them with romantic affection.

For anyone on the Asexual (Ace) or Aromantic (Aro) spectrums, though, their relationship with Valentine's can become tense and complicated.

Popular culture, social media, and the film and television industries all contribute to an overarching narrative that places romantic and sexual attraction at the center of a healthy and happy life. They're made out to be the best types of experiences someone can have.

If someone identifies as anywhere on the Ace or Aro spectrum, however, they're automatically navigating a much more complex relationship with sex or romance than those who regularly experience sexual or romantic attraction (who are called Allosexual and Alloromatic, respectively).

Here's a quick primer on Asexuality and Aromanticism for anyone who might not be completely familiar:
• Asexual: Used to describe people who don't experience sexual attraction to others. Aces often will still have some sort of libido (sex drive), even if it is not directed at another person, and will often also experience other types of attraction (romantic, emotional, sensual, etc.).
• Aromantic: Used to describe people who don't experience romantic attraction to others. People who are Alloromatic desire an intimate romantic relationship with another person on some level, but Aro people don't share this desire.

Asexuality and Aromanticism are not the same thing, and they do not always exist together. Because sexual and romantic attraction are different, a person can be both Ace and Aro, or just one or the other.

As Valentine's Day approaches, here are a few resources for those on the Ace or Aro spectrums who might be seeking support and community.

AVEN
An obvious first choice for this list, the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (commonly known as AVEN) is one of the best resources for anyone who identifies as Asexual or Aromantic. It's also a great place for people with Ace or Aro friends, family, or partners to educate themselves.

Created by American Asexual activist David Jay in 2009, AVEN was once called the "unofficial online headquarters of the Asexuality movement by Salon and is widely known today as the largest online Asexual community.

The website is as vast as it is informative, offering an entire section titled "About Asexuality," which includes an FAQ for friends, family, partners, and those who are exploring different labels on the Asexual spectrum.

Beyond that, AVEN hosts hundreds of forums and discussion threads relating to sexuality and romance. There is even an entire forum dedicated to gray areas on the Ace spectrum, called "The Gray Area, Sex, and Related Discussions."

Furthermore, members will find forums on romantic relationships, Aromanticism, dating sexual people, coming out, and many other topics. There's also a Welcome Lounge, where new members can introduce themselves and tell their stories.

Even 22 years after the website launched, people are still joining AVEN every day with a new sense of belonging and community. In the last few days, one new member took to the Welcome Lounge with a short post befitting the overall purpose of the network: "Just joined... After years of not fitting into the correct box, I think I may have found mine. Reading a lot of your posts makes me feel like I've found my people."

If you or anyone you know might be interested in learning more about Asexuality or Aromanticism, visit AVEN's website at https://www.asexuality.org/.

Meetup
While the internet allows people to connect with one another all over the world at any time of the day, physical companionship is still important for all of us. This is where Meetup comes in. Yes, this is another online platform, but it's designed to bring people together in real life based on common experiences or hobbies. On the login page, the site describes itself as "The people platform — where interests become friendships."

Upon creating a free account, members can enter their interests, hobbies, and city. From there, they can join groups that interest them and RSVP to events (both online or in person) to network with people and create friendships.

For anyone in the Seattle area looking for a place to meet fellow Aces and/or Aros, feel free to join the "Seattle Aces and Aros" group, which has consistent online meetings and also hosts several in-person excursions, the next one being on February 19!

To make an account and start finding communities in your area, go to https://www.meetup.com/.

Ace by Angela Chen
A list of Ace resources doesn't feel complete without mentioning Angela Chen's exploration of Asexuality and society in her book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex.

An Asexual journalist and editor, Chen previously worked for publications like WIRED magazine, the Wall Street Journal, and Vox Media's The Verge before publishing her book in 2020. Over several chapters, Chen unpacks the meaning of Asexuality and how the Asexual experience intersects with gender, race, and disability.

What makes Chen's work stand out is her use of in-depth interviews to paint an accurate picture of Asexuality. By including first-person experiences from several interviewees, Chen gives Asexuality an important type of representation, by centering real human voices in her work rather than intellectualizing it and extracting it from its social and cultural contexts (which can often happen in discussions of Asexuality and Aromanticism).

At just over 200 pages, this is an accessible read for anyone in or outside of the Ace/Aro communities who is looking for more information and understanding.

Especially for those who are in the process of exploring Asexuality for themselves and might find it hard to explain their experiences during their coming out, this book is a great resource to point loved ones to. Coming out is a hard process and can be made worse by the task of educating people around you who might not completely understand the labels and identities that work for you. Ace does a great job of doing that job, giving you more time to build a community for yourself and find belonging elsewhere.

If, on the other hand, you have a friend, family member, or partner on the Ace/Aro spectrums, consider this book a way to educate yourself and better understand and support those close to you.

For more information about the book and where to buy it, visit Chen's website at https://www.angelachen.org/ace/.