Ask Izzy is a biweekly advice column about relationships, mental health, and sexuality. Written by Isabel Mata — a Seattle-based lifestyle writer, podcast host, and mental health advocate — Ask Izzy offers tangible expert advice so all readers can have stronger relationships, better sex, and healthier mindsets. Looking for some more guidance? Submit your question to [email protected] with the subject line: Ask Izzy Submission.
Dear Izzy,
I don't deal well with change. So when I moved to Seattle after college, it took me a long time to settle in. It's really different here than my little hometown. After all the time I spent finding places I feel comfortable, they're all closing. Rent increase sometimes, owners retiring sometimes. I have to start over again, and I'm really stressing out. I don't know what to do! Why do I always feel so lost?
— Emotionally Naked & Afraid
Dear Emotionally Naked,
I hear you. If there is one thing I hate most in this world, it's change. It's scary, uncomfortable, anxiety inducing, and stressful as fuck. Especially after you've spent a bunch of time getting comfortable and settling into a new place. All to just do it again? No thank you.
Unfortunately — and fortunately — it was the ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus that said, "Nothing endures but change." And he was right. Of all things in the world to be certain about, one of them is change. No matter how badly we wish for things to stay the same in our happy little bubbles, eventually they pop, and we must adapt. But of course, that doesn't make it any less scary.
A few months ago, I was having the same issue as you. My primary care doctor moved offices, my insurance changed, and suddenly I was left to find new healthcare providers for all of my ailments. I already felt lost in my career and personal life, and now I couldn't even rely on my doctors to refill my prescriptions. It was chaos and it felt like everything was just piling up.
After an hour or two of melting down and crying to my husband about all the change that was going on, a little voice in my head appeared, telling me that within this chaos of change was an opportunity. An opportunity to reignite old passions, rethink routines, and dive deeper into my personal values. Upon reflection, I realized that this little voice in my head was my resilience, or my ability to cope with change.
While I don't have the answer as to why you feel so lost, I do know that building up your resiliency will make dealing with change a hell of a lot easier. According to psycom.net, we all have a certain level of resiliency thanks to our genes and the environment we grew up in, but it's not set in stone. "Practicing different ways of thinking and being in the world can boost your ability to deal with change and help you create a life that is adaptive to new places and unexpected events."
To help you get started, here are a few ways to practice resiliency that worked for me. A therapist who works with young adults may be able to help you more specifically, but this is a good place to start.
1. Accept that change is a part of life
It can be hard to deal with change when everything feels like the end of the world. The first step is understanding that change is going to happen, whether you like it or not. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed allows you to focus on the circumstances you can.
2. Reframe your thoughts to focus on what is in your control
Instead of pushing back against change whenever it comes, try reframing your mindset to see what is in your control. If your favorite coffee shop is closing, that really sucks. But it's out of your control. Instead, try and find the opportunity within the unfortunate circumstance. Maybe it is an opportunity to explore and find a new favorite coffee shop where one day you might meet your soulmate! You never know what could happen when you look on the bright side.
3. Strengthen your routines
This might seem obvious, but when you have strong daily routines that are not dependent on anyone else, it strengthens the foundation of your entire life. Meaning, it is a lot harder to get knocked down when you know that regardless of what the day brings, tomorrow you will wake up, brush your teeth, make breakfast, and keep on keeping on. Having a daily morning and night routine will create structure in a life that might otherwise feel very chaotic.
4. Believe in yourself
If you have gotten this far in life, then you have probably dealt with quite a bit of change. Regardless of how well you handled it, eventually you got through it, and that is what matters. When things are feeling really shitty and you can't get over the feeling of being lost, it helps to remind yourself that you can do hard things. You have done them before, and you survived! While it sucks to feel that way again, trust in your ability to problem-solve and push through.
Recap
The fact is that change is going to happen, whether you are ready for it or not. While you don't have to embrace change with open arms, a perspective shift might make dealing with it a hell of a lot easier. I promise you are more resilient than you know. So keep your chin up, show yourself some love, and look for the glimmer of light in the darkness.
References and further reading:
• Heraclitus. (2003). Fragments: The Collected Wisdom of Heraclitus (English and Greek edition). Penguin Group USA.
• Smith, PhD, LPC. (February 21, 2020). The Psychology of Dealing with Change: How to Become Resilient. https://www.psycom.net/dealing-with-change/
• American Psychological Association. (May 17, 2016). 10 Tips to Build Resilience. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-to-build-resilience/
• Sandberg, S., & Grant, A. (2017). Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. Knopf.
• Brown, B. (2017). Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (reprint). Random House.