Ask Izzy is a biweekly advice column about relationships, mental health, and sexuality. Written by Isabel Mata — a Seattle-based lifestyle writer, podcast host, and mental health advocate — Ask Izzy offers tangible expert advice so all readers can have stronger relationships, better sex, and healthier mindsets. Looking for some more guidance? Submit your question at [email protected] with the subject line Ask Izzy Submission

Dear Izzy,

How do you know when you've found the one? I have been with my partner for over a year, and I am head over heels in love with them. I can't imagine my life without them! We had a conversation recently about the future and despite how much love I have for this person, it still feels scary to think that they could be "the one" that I am with forever. Is this normal? Or am I just afraid of commitment?

— Helplessly in love

Dear Helplessly,
Not to be that person but the short answer is that you will just know when you've met the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. When you meet your person, the one you are destined to be, you will feel a kind of poetic certainty flowing through your veins.

The longer-ish answer is one way to tell is to ask yourself these questions: How do you feel when you are around this person? Do you feel genuinely happy and at ease? Does life feel more vibrant, beautiful, and calm in their presence? Do you feel like the best version of yourself when they are around? Do you feel safe and respected? Can you close your eyes and imagine a future with that person? And actually see it, almost like a memory?

The answer might be "kinda," and that's okay. Not only is it okay, but it's also a huge decision to make! The pressure alone gives me anxiety. Despite what Hollywood wants you to believe, true love is not instantaneous. It takes communication, respect, and an alignment of values. And most importantly, time. If the idea of forever scares you right now, you aren't alone. It simply means that you are not ready to move to the next phase of your relationship. As I said, when the time comes, you will know.

But I want to offer an alternative perspective: there are multiple people out there whom you could have a beautiful and fulfilling life with. In an article for Psychology Today, Shauna H. Springer, PhD, writes that "the concept of finding a soul mate is riddled with logical errors, however, the biggest of which is the idea that our personalities are fixed and unchanging over the course of life." And it's true! People change. Even people who are in committed relationships.

Springer continues: "The soul mate idea implies that we are the way we are and that there is one other person who is a perfect match for us due to their collection of complementary attributes and personal qualities. The goal in finding one's soul mate is to identify this person, and the assumption is that once this person has been correctly identified, it will be smooth sailing because the two halves have become reunited." Sounds like a fairytale. But alas, real life is not a fairytale.

The truth is, as people we are not static beings, we are in a continual process of growth and change. So, for a relationship to truly be successful and long-lasting, both parties need adaptability and an openness to grow. Without that, there is a greater chance that you will outgrow the person you previously thought was "the one."

And then what? Do you give up on love and happiness? No, of course not! Nora Ephron didn't birth You've Got Mail for you to pigeon-hole yourself with a scarcity mindset.

Now that doesn't mean you should be reckless with your love. Be intentional. It's a magical relief to find the one who pulls you out of the dating pool. Continue being vulnerable; it is so brave.

Free date night activity:
1. On your own, write down a list of your top personal values. Have your partner do the same. Some examples are loyalty, equality, empathy, etc. As a prompt, think about the qualities that are important to you in a partner.

2. Come together and compare your lists. Talk about them! Why did you pick the things you picked? Why is that value important to you?

3. Create a combined family/relationship value list, taking values from both of your lists, or maybe even adding ones you forgot.

4. Grab some art supplies and make a visual representation of this list, something you will want to look at every day. It's a meaningful way to be intentional in your relationship and a fun way to spend your evening.