I am only one of millions of Transgender people in the US, let alone in the world, and relatively young in my transition, having only begun presenting full-time on September 17 of last year, although I remember having early memories of questioning my gender identity in elementary school, around the age of 6 in 1978, 43 years ago.
Even back then, I knew I was different, but didn't know what the terms or words were. All I knew was I instinctively preferred to be in the company of girls, and enjoyed reading and playing with dolls. I wondered why I wasn't a girl and wished with all my heart I could be. I remember wanting the lavender Members Only jacket that all the popular girls had, and to be both on the dance team and cheer squad. None of those dreams came true.
A few months after coming out as Gay in January of 1993, I started doing drag as a way to express my femininity and began to create an identity for myself. Since finding the courage to come out as Trans, first to myself and then to the people in my life, starting about ten years ago, transitioning has had some high highs and some low lows. I don't know where I will go from here, and I will be curious to see, with God's blessing, what it will be like to read this series next year, when we celebrate a more traditional Pride and I am 50 years old.
Hate crimes on the rise
One thing that is certain is the increase in hate crimes against Transgender or gender-nonconforming people. According to the Human Rights Campaign, at press time, there have been at least 29 killings in this community, but there may have been two more and maybe others, as some stories may have gone unreported or misreported, and some people's gender could have been misreported. That is already 66% of the 44 total reported last year.
Please say their names in a moment of respect for our Trans brothers and sisters that have already lost their lives this year: Tyianna Alexander, Samuel Edmund Damian Valentin, Biana "Muffin" Bankz, Dominique Jackson, Fifty Bandz, Alexus Braxton, Chyna Carrillo, Jeffrey "JJ" Bright, Jasmine Cannady, Jenna Franks, Diamond Kyree Sanders, Rayanna Pardo, Jaida Peterson, Aidelen Evans, Dominique Lucious, Remy Fennell, Tiara Banks, Natalia Smut, Iris Santos, Tiffany Thomas, Keri Washington, Jahaira De Alto, Whispering Wind Bear Spirit, Sophie Vasquez, Danika "Danny" Henson, Serenity Hollis, Oliver "Ollie" Taylor, Thomas Hardin, Haven A Bailey, Poe Black, and EJ Boykin.
This is just in the US. Worldwide last year, there were at least 350 deaths of Transgender people that resulted from hate crimes, according to www.transrespect.org, with the largest percentage of victims (82%) being in South America.
To be targeted for your gender or gender expression is still a sad reality, especially in today's civic moment. Every day in my community, when one of us leaves our home we must think about personal safety, regardless if we are going to work, school, or just about our day. While some of us have cars, many of us rely on public transportation, which may put us in even more vulnerable positions.
We must worry about "passing" and trying not to provoke anyone as we just try to lead our lives as our authentic selves. We endure judgmental or mocking words, looks, and facial expressions. We might not even see the person who insults us ever again, but their words will stay with us forever.
Some of us make impulsive decisions or have a lapse of judgment just for a moment of intimacy and connection, which can lead to unsafe situations or injury, whether physically or mentally. Some of us are hurt by a stranger or someone we know, or sometimes we're simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.
While I can sometimes take for granted my ability to either "pass" or project enough confidence that others don't bother me, I still try not to put myself in situations in which I am alone or in which I know I cannot defend myself. I often have to be more aware of who is around me while I am walking my dog, Nico. Layer on that the possibility of someone targeting me because they think I am a cis female and want to assault me and/or the growing trend of anti-Asian hate crimes. For months now, one of my best friends has been insistent that I carry mace on me. However, I refuse to live in fear, and my freedom is something I will not give up, as I have waited all my life to be free.
Trans and nonbinary people are people, and everyone, regardless of who they are or how they identify, deserves a fair chance of living their best lives as their authentic selves. I hope that we can remember and honor that our time is here and now, and not just during Pride, Trans Awareness Week, or Transgender Remembrance Day.
Looking toward the future
While I didn't plan on writing this series for the Seattle Gay News or hosting several virtual corporate events this year, as the Pride events I normally get booked for are in person at an office, festival, or nightclub, I am thankful for this opportunity and excited to reconnect with my writing.
Reading and writing have always been passions of mine, ever since I hung out at the Columbia City Public Library reading Judy Blume books as a kid. I've also always looked up to Transgender author Janet Mock, as her books and writing and directing for Pose are things I have thought about pursuing.
During this writing and editing process, I have begun to dream again about being a published writer, sharing the stories of my life, particularly my drag career and transition, as I have revisited my journals that were lying on my glass desk. I now get excited even when I don't know what I am going to say, staring at the blank computer screen and remembering things I hadn't thought about in years or wondering if my life can help someone with theirs.
I am growing to be the woman I have always dreamed about. But I hope my transness will not be the only thing people know about me but rather just a part of me, like being Filipinx, a drag queen, a host, an activist, or a store director, and maybe even one day a published writer and public speaker.
I'm hopeful for love and, yes, even heartbreak, as I didn't date in my Gay years. The one love I thought I did have, I recently learned the hard way to let go of, as our ages and life stages would never have worked out in our favor. But I won't give up, as I still want to experience those butterflies and to be 100% myself to someone. I want to know that side of me, as I have never been vulnerable or dependent on anyone.
But most importantly I want a best friend and partner who doesn't care what others think of him openly dating a Transgender woman. Instead I hope that he would only care that I am a good person and that I will take care of him and treat him with all the respect and love I can give. I may want to even get married.
I want to experience all the things I never did before. Last month I hiked Lake 22 totally unprepared, but I pushed myself physically and mentally, and I now know what I need to do to be better prepared the next time I hike. I also went wine tasting in Woodinville, and while I drew some looks, I am beginning to not worry if I am being recognized as a Transgender woman, but rather as a woman who happens to be well put together and maybe a little taller. I want to travel as myself to places I have only dreamed of. I want to maybe even own my own modest home.
I am hopeful and grateful to have another chance at life, as some never get an opportunity to come out and live as their authentic selves. In light of everything we have endured this past year, I wish you and your loved ones the very, very best. We all deserve it, regardless of how we identify and whom we love.
Happy Pride!
XO,
GS