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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, January 17 2014 - Volume 42 Issue 03
Kiki with D: Exes can be difficult
Section One
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Kiki with D: Exes can be difficult

by D Smith - SGN Contributing Writer

Dear Kiki with D,

I've been dating this guy, for almost a year and a half. Prior to meeting me, he had a child, with his ex-girlfriend. She ended up cheating on him and they broke up shortly after his son turned 1 - he's 5 now. His son is shared between both of their houses - more with her than him - but whenever she drops him off at my boyfriend's place and I'm there, she gives me really mean glances and won't even speak to me.

At first I thought, 'All right, I'm the new woman in his life. She has a reason to be upset, if she still has feelings for him.' But as time went on, she wouldn't ease up, not even a tiny bit. Things actually got worse, with her texting him to see if I was there before dropping their son off.

He recommended requesting her as a friend on Facebook, just so I can break the ice and try to be on better terms with his son's mother. When I did so, I sent along a message stating: 'I know we haven't really got along, but I'd really like to be friends with you, just for the sake of the two men in our life.' She accepted my request, but when I went onto her timeline, it was just full of really hateful things directed at me. (I'm not being paranoid, she mentioned my name a lot.) My boyfriend doesn't have Facebook so he wasn't aware of her mean spirited comments.

I don't know what to do. I need to be nice for the sake of my boyfriend and his son, but she is driving me batty with how mean she's being. I get that I'm the girlfriend and I might be stepping on her toes a bit, but I love both of them very much and have no plans of leaving. However, her bad attitude is shaking my confidence. What can I do so that she'll maybe even warm up to me a little?

-Trying to Keep My Cool




Dear Trying to Keep My Cool,

Don't look at her Facebook page, smile when you see her, and let your boyfriend be the communicator. There's no reason for you to have to reach out to this woman right now. It's his job to be the go-between, and you can't break any more ice.

Instead of brainstorming ways to warm her up, talk to him about how this will work, if she continues to freeze you out. Will this affect your ability to get close as a couple? What will happen if you decide to move in together? And - are you missing something here? Is there a reason she's so hostile toward you, even though they broke up years ago? Find out whether he has a plan for keeping the peace as this relationship moves forward.

I hate to say it, but sometimes ex relationships are just like this - in perpetuity. Sometimes they don't get better and people just learn to work around one another, occasionally scowling and eye-rolling and playing nice for the kids. As you talk to him about managing this discomfort, ask yourself whether you can be happy in the relationship, even if it means a lifetime of occasional dirty looks and stepping on toes.

It's never easy, but it's manageable.

Hope this helps. Remember be true to you, love yourself, encourage yourself and others.

-D

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