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to Section One | to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, September 6 2013 - Volume 41 Issue 36
Kiki with D: Life beyond vanilla
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Kiki with D: Life beyond vanilla

by D Smith- SGN Contributing Writer

Dear D,

I have a longstanding friendship with this guy. I swear, I have known him since we were both in diapers, and we have never had any type of fallout. But over the past couple years, I have found myself looking at him in a different light. Now that he and his girlfriend are having problems, I feel like I now have the opportunity to make my move and tell him how I feel.

I have only been in one relationship before, and he said that I didn't make time for him, I'm bossy, my friends are assholes, and if I engaged in conversation with anyone other than he when we were out in public places - even a simple 'I'm good, how are you?' - it seemed to piss him off.

Alternatively, I felt like I had gone from being a partner to being a verbal punching bag/scapegoat for his frustrations. Trying to talk to him was like trying to walk through a minefield because I never knew when he was going to go off. It was getting to be too much work, and got old quick. I found myself feeling empty inside after being with him and have now been alone for the last few years.

My old-time friend has been with me throughout this process and we are closer now than ever. We can tell each other our entire deepest darkest secrets without judgment. However, I'm not sure how he would react if I told him how I feel. I want him to know how much I love him but don't want to ruin our friendship.

So, I'm wondering what my next step should be? Should I tell him how I feel, or save myself the trouble and be thankful for the friendship?
- Lost in Search of Love

Dear Lost,

I admire your courage in asking for advice. It is clear to me that you are a good friend with an even better heart. You value your friendship enough to seek help.

This type of situation requires the most delicate touch. First, I am wondering if he already knows how you feel about this situation. Explaining your feelings to him and telling him how he makes you feel could go many different ways. Sometimes we feel just because we have history with a person, we think and/or feel like we know them, but it's times like this that put our knowledge to the test. If that person is meant to be in our lives they will be, no matter what happens. However, people are in our lives for a reason and/or a season. It's up to us to figure out what that is; whether it is a friend or a lover. Life comes in seasons. It sounds to me like you are in a new season and have to tread lightly in matters of the heart. The timing could be off or right on the money.

Take the time to talk to him and gauge how he is feeling. Invite him to dinner or somewhere that he feels comfortable so that the two of you can have this conversation (atmosphere is everything). Explain to him how he and the friendship have impacted your life. Hopefully, he values your friendship (the way you obviously do) and he can understand the feelings that you have - and who knows? Maybe he feels the same. Then offer to give him some time so that he can process things. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and he might surprise you. If not, at least you have a wonderful friendship together and that love can give you such peace of mind.

Remember: Self-preservation is the first law of nature. So make sure you are whole and ready to take this step before talking to him. Your peace of mind has to come first. Sometimes we have to take chances, as love waits for no one. You have to love and take care of yourself before you can do anything with or for anyone else.

Hope this helps. Stay positive and always encourage yourself! - D

Dear D,

My current relationship is starting to get a little boring. Things in the bedroom are kind of routine between us and I would like to spice up our love life. I am pretty vanilla when it comes to sex and he is too unadventurous to try something new. I am hoping that you had some advice that would help me ease him into trying new things. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. - Trying to Bring Sexy Back

Dear Trying,

Thank you for asking for advice. You know, until I received your e-mail I truly had no clue how common this is. Please forgive me; I had to do some research on this one. I thought I was up on the new trends of the latest and greatest but this is a delicate situation and I want to handle it with the utmost care.

This was a very interesting journey into a world of sexual freedom and exploration. I can appreciate that you are asking for advice and wanting to make your relationship HOT again. However, once you cross the line to opening up something more, you better ask yourself if you are ready for what might be on the other side.

If so, here is what you do. Identify what you like to do and first expand on that. Slowly add different elements to kink it up a notch. You can go to your local adult theme shop for party favors and ideas. Remember, keep it simple. You can't just pull out the whips and handcuffs on your first adventure but a little role-playing could be fun.

Take the time to find out what turns him on. Explore one another. Chivalry may be dead, but romance most certainly is not. Making this side of your relationship an exploration and daily adventure can make you fall in love all over again. Take your time and feel one another out.

Hope this helps and as always, stay positive and remember to encourage yourself! - D

Life problems bringing you down? Have a burning question? Can't tell your girlfriend? Hit me up! KikiWithD@gmail.com

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