by Daniel Smith -
Special to the SGN
Three years ago I met and fell in love with the most wonderful man. In fact, I would even say he is the man of my dreams. Two years into our courtship, he asked me to marry him and I gladly accepted. This June we will celebrate our one-year anniversary. Our life is good. We both have great careers and soon we will move into our dream home.
While dating, my husband and I both shared the position that we did not want kids. Moreover, we agreed that if either one of us changed our position, adoption would be our first option. Well, during the holiday season of 2012, my husband's father passed away and through his grieving process, my husband decided that a great way for him to honor the memory of his father is to have a child naturally - perhaps even a boy he could name after his father. There's only one problem: I am Transgender. Which means, in my case, I was born male and underwent the necessary medical procedures to become female.
No ifs, ands, or buts about it, I should have told my husband the truth as to why I can't have children. While dating my husband, things were great. In fact, I believe that had I told him, it wouldn't have bothered him. At the very least, he would have been kind in his rejection of me. He is the greatest man I know, for so many reasons. My actions were selfish and driven by fear. I have decided that no matter the cost, I love my husband enough to tell him the truth. Do you think it's a good idea for me to tell him now? And, if so, how should I tell him? - So Ashamed of What I Did, But Not Who I Am
Dear So Ashamed,
I appreciate you for being so open and allowing your heart to shine through. Obviously, you are deeply in love with your husband and I can see your pain is wearing on your heart. Shame can wear on you like a winter coat in the hot summer sun and have you sweating coffee and tea, girl.
Honesty is always the best policy. However, in this case I have to ask myself if it will cause more harm than help. With that being said, reality now has to set in. You have two issues that you have to face and deal with. You deceived your husband, and now with the passing of his father his heart is truly on the line. You have to ask yourself, 'If I tell him, what would it do to him?' Everyone knows about the two of you - his family, friends, co-workers. Not saying that there is a charade but if you are a 'real' woman it's time to act like it!
The past is behind you and you cannot change that. Now, is telling him worth destroying him just because you need to get it off your chest? It's time to put your big-girl drawers on and take responsibly for the present situation. Forgive me for being a little harsh but you have to realize that it's not about you. The situation may deal with you, but this is about him and where he now is with his life with you. He loves you so much he wants to have a child with you. Once again, asking for two to become one. Having a child together bonds you in ways that can only be explained by the experience.
When you are in a relationship, you are entrusted with another's life. Remember those wedding vows. You were not alone on that day, and you have to take that to heart. You have to come outside of yourself and see his life, not just yours. Remember the love you have for him and that you never want to hurt him.
Stick to the facts, and display all of them to him. Fact #1: You cannot have children! Fact #2: You were ashamed to tell him that you could not mother a child. For that is the reason adoption was the option if, in fact, you ever wanted children in your lives. Another option is surrogacy, which would allow you both to take part in the process. If you tell him your 'little secret,' his life will forever be changed. Are you willing to take that risk?
Love is a very wondrous thing that makes you look past yourself to see the greater good. You look past your pain to see his. You speak so highly of him and the love you have for him is regal. Cherish the love you have and be honest with him from here on out. Remember, the way it begins is the way it will end.
Hope this helps. Stay positive and remember to encourage yourself! - D
I have an obsession with drag queens! I love everything about them, from their fashions to their lifestyles. I'm often jealous of men, because they get the opportunity to be drag queens and I sometimes wish that I were a man so that I could become one. Does that make me a tranny? - Being a Girl Is a Drag
I so love you for being comfortable in your own skin! The fact that you come outside of yourself to truly appreciate and embrace the racy, radical culture of female Illusion does my heart good. Being an old showgirl myself I surely can appreciate you. Girl, you have made my day! This is the best thing ever! Female Illusionists/Drag Queens want to look like women (all variations). Glamazon, fantasy, vixen, or the girl next door, Queens/Illusionists have developed an art to look like women. To have a biological woman who has an obsession with the Queen culture and truly embraced the culture is wonderful to hear.
Now, to answer your question, yes, I think spiritually you are Trans. You have officially joined the 'Trans Band.' So, girl, talk your favorite Queen/Queer, get the latest fashion, get your hair/nails done, head out and enjoy all that Seattle has to offer, and twerk it! Now we all love fun and games but let us not forget the 'real' thought. I hope you are supporting the community - we can always use as much support as possible. Pride is coming up and I know you don't want to miss it. Check with SGN for all the latest and updated news about Pride events. You have the opportunity to get all dolled up in whatever your heart desires and come out to show your support and show some love for the LGBT community.
Thank you for showing up and showing your love. And as always, stay positive and remember to encourage yourself! - D
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