Friday
Sept 30, 2005

SGN.org
Volume 33
Issue 39

 
Thursday, Jan 23, 2020 06:16
 

NOTE** finding
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Tour De Life by Beau Burriola
SOMETIMES
I know it piles up on you. Ive seen it. Sometimes you handle it and sometimes it gets to you. All around you, you see pretty boys with gym habits, perfect hair, jeans that fit right, and lives that you wonder might be better than your own.

Youve stopped going out, hoping that you can avoid those things you sometimes say youre tired of. You wonder that there has to be more to all of this than the great big Gay dance party youve become accustomed to. Sometimes you feel like youre part of it and sometimes not so, but always youre searching for your place in it all.

When you look into the mirror, you sometimes compare yourself to all of them. Why wont your hair do that thing that way? Why dont your jeans fit in just that way? Why is something always better and just out of your reach? Why do you sometimes feel just on the cusp of something, but rarely ever there? Youre always pointing out your own shortcomings. Your hair is too flat. Youre too short. Your smile isnt perfect. So instead of living life, sometimes you stay home, figuring somehow that youre better off anyway just avoiding the whole Gay world.

In the sea of shadowy faces and unfamiliar pasts you sometimes feel like youre drowning in, you grope for something with meaning. When you find this person, that cause, or this opportunity, you latch onto it and give it meaning if you must; just so long as theres meaning. Then, sometimes, when it all doesnt work out you blame yourself and all that you are not.

Sometimes you are not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, happy enough, rich enough, there enough, here enough& and in all this not enough you dont get a chance to let yourself show through enough.

I dont always say so, because maybe Im just too busy with the crap, or just because talking to yourself is stupid, but self, I just wanted to tell you that even when sometimes you arent sure, Ive always admired your courage and determination in living the questions and never giving up searching for that meaning. Its all you can do and it is enough.

Sometimes, while youre busy being your own worst critic, never forget that youve also always got to be your biggest fan.



Beau Burriola is a local Gay writer who is sometimes always too something. E-mail him at: beaubrent@gmail.com.

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