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Back to Section One | Back to Arts & Entertainment
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - Volume 38 Issue 52
Bring the love back
Section One
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Bring the love back

by Michael Raitt - SGN Contributing Writer

The New Year is upon us. It's a time that most of us start thinking about resolutions and goals - lose weight, stop smoking, exercise. It is a perfect time to refocus your attention on the fact that your relationship is a priority. Here are some thoughts and steps you can use to ignite the passion in your relationship and bring back those good feelings of being in love. When you are in love and feeling good, so much more falls into place.

Remember, you both contribute to, and are responsible for, how the relationship feels. Reflect upon how you contribute daily to making the relationship a positive experience for you and your partner/spouse.

Make a commitment every day to show up positively and engage respectfully with the person you love. Negative feelings in a relationship are normal. However, when you learn how to deal with those emotions differently, you step forward and participate in a way that makes the relationship a happier relationship to be in.



Here are some things you can do to make your relationship feel better:

1. Forgive! Forgiveness is about taking responsibility for how you feel about past issues. If you are still angry, hurt, or sad about something, you are completely in charge of how those negative feelings effect you in the New Year. Sometimes the negative feelings are well founded and justified. However, you get to decide how long you want to hold on to them and how they influence your actions in the relationship.

2. Trust. Both people in the relationship contribute to how much trust there is. Trusting isn't about trusting the other person - it is about you trusting you. Be honest. Stick to the promises you make. It is about each person trusting him or herself and acting ethically and with integrity. If you have two trustworthy people, you have a trusting relationship.

3. Rekindle the love. Find something to do every day that shows your partner/spouse that you love them. A kind word. A thoughtful gesture. A love note in the car. Anything that reminds you of the reasons you love the other and reinforces with the other the love you have for them. (Please note, I said, 'to do' - these have got to be actions.) Remember every day why you are in love with your partner and act on it.

4. Plan things for the coming year that you enjoy! Fun experiences and fond memories reinforce the love bond. Find things you both enjoy doing. Also, cultivate experiences separately so that you have fun things to come home and share about. Separate interests are a healthy thing.

5. Sex, sex, and great sex! Make physical intimacy a priority again in your relationship. We all have busy lives! You have to make it happen. Good sex contributes to our well-being in so many ways. It reduces stress and contributes to us feeling good emotionally. Spice it up and try new things. Take risks and explore together. If you want to explore fetishes or kink, slowly work with each other to do that. Try new positions. Experience the full range of physical intimacy. Good sex goes from cuddling to all out fucking and so much in between. All of these can be passionate. (Remember, good sex does not mean everyone has to have an orgasm. It means you are connected and it contributes to the love in the relationship.) Most importantly, have fun together and enjoy how each other feels. Always remember that it is never about the quantity of sex you have. You have to make it all about quality. Who's going to disagree that great sex feels fantastic?!



There is no way around it. This is work! It is work that is worth it, though. There are few things that are richer than being in a loving, respectful relationship. Most of us want this. It is well worth the effort. Most of us put a great deal of effort in other areas of our lives (such as work) to do what we need to do to improve and be successful. Apply this same drive to your relationship and work on it every day.

I'd like to wish everybody a happy, healthy and prosperous 2011.

Michael Raitt, MA LMHC, is a therapist and a contributing writer to the SGN. He writes a bi-monthly column in the SGN. If you would like to comment on this column, ask a question you'd like him to write about, or suggest another topic of interest, please contact him at askingmichael@comcast.net.

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