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Friday, Jul 25, 2008
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Ask Michael - Sexual abuse and its effects |
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| Ask Michael - Sexual abuse and its effects | ||
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by Michael Raitt -
SGN Contributing Writer A few people have asked me to talk about the issues of sexual abuse as children. It is a huge, complex issue that effects upwards of one in five women and one in 10 men - maybe more. Regardless of age, race, sexual orientation, or economic status, sexual abuse victims can be found in all strata of society and the impact that the abuse has on its victims is profound. (In this short column, I will address some important information but only a fraction of what is important). Although the impact on victims is deep, let me first talk about the resilience that many victims have in the face of the abuse they have experienced. This is important because often times, some victims don't even recognize their own strengths and resilience and society focuses only on the negative stigma of abuse. Of the men and women I have known who are victims of sexual abuse (personally and professionally), I have found them to be extraordinarily strong. This means that they are wonderful, caring people who work very hard to develop healthy relationships and create lives that are rewarding to them. In their own way, they face their fears and shame regarding their abuse and move forward in their lives in ways that reflect health and integrity and they strive to be happy and successful. I can't emphasize enough how important this is because this has to be balanced against the heavy burden that sexual abuse victims carry and part of the healing process for victims is the recognition of their resilience. Why does sexual abuse have such negative impact on victims? There are a couple of major reasons for this. First, sexual abuse is never about consent! Victims don't ever have a choice and sexually abusive relationships are based on a significant power differential, severe threats, and coercion. Victims of all ages are degraded and hurt both physically and emotionally and end up with a myriad of confusing feelings and thoughts while being isolated and feeling alone. Perpetrators of sexual abuse are narcissists who are only thinking of themselves. They are selfish and lack the ability to empathize or sympathize with others and their victims. It is from this perspective that they become very manipulative and fill victims' minds with confusing and threatening messages. For children who are sexually abused, this is very hard to make sense of and they fall prey to desires of the predator. Second, victims of sexual abuse not only have to keep a secret, they carry the additional shame and embarrassment because this is a sexual issue. This is a huge burden that victims carry in childhood and, often, as adults. In our society, sex is often shamed and anything out of the norm is shamed even more. Victims of sexual abuse often carry this secret for years with feelings of guilt, shame, trust issues, and anger (to name only a few). Sexual abuse has a psychophysiological effect on victims too. This is very confusing to victims until they understand the process and that they are not going crazy. For example, victims experience extreme reactions to certain smells, touch, sexual acts, words, or other actions and they often don't know why. This happens because the human brain has a propensity to protect its owner and, therefore, certain events are not processed through the higher thinking parts of the brain. Rather, actions such as sexual abuse are wired through another part of the nervous system. This is why sexual abuse survivors may react to certain things and not know or understand why they are reacting this way. In the book entitled, The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment, Babette Rothschild explains this process well in an excellent, easy to read and understand way. You can probably order a copy of this from Bailey/Coy Books on Broadway (206-323-8842). Regardless of your sexual orientation, sexual abuse does not make you Gay, Bisexual, or Straight. This is critical because some people believe this and clearing up this issue helps men and women deal with their healing process. Some victims of sexual abuse feel guilty about what happened to them because it "felt" good yet they struggle with the emotional feelings around what happened. This leads to more confusion and shame. This is normal for many and the fact that it "felt" good is entirely about the physical sensation of the sexual act. Sex does feel good. Physical stimulation does feel good. It does release adrenaline and other hormones that make us feel fantastic. Where it becomes problematic is as I mentioned above; abusive/violent power differential, how these events get wired into our nervous system, the shame and guilt around social norms regarding sex, and the emotional toll it takes in many areas of the victim's life. It is important to deal with these conflicting ideas and feelings. If you know or suspect you are the victim of sexual abuse, I highly recommend that you get therapy if you are not already doing it. Therapy is not a sign of weakness. It reflects your sense of self because you are doing something for yourself and healing. It is a way of dealing with and understanding what has happened to you. It can help you understand your reactions and give you the perspective that you are not wrong, not damaged, not crazy or otherwise. Remember, many survivors are very resilient and extraordinarily strong. Therapy can be a process to help you continue on the path of strength so you can continue to trust yourself and others and have a healthy, loving, rich life. Michael Raitt, MA LMHC, writes a bi-monthly column in the SGN. If you would like to comment on this column, ask a question you'd like him to write about, or suggest another topic of interest, please contact him at askingmichael@comcast.net. |
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