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Saturday, Oct 11, 2008
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Coming out gracefully |
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| Coming out gracefully | |
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by Paul Varnell -
SGN Contributing Writer In a recent column keyed to National Coming Out Day, I offered several reasons, both practical and moral, for coming out. Keep in mind that coming out--i.e., being open about your sexual orientation--is the most important Gay-related political act you can undertake. Think of each time you come out to someone--friend, acquaintance, or relative stranger--as casting a vote for Gay equality and acceptance. This week I want to suggest some ways to come out--or, I think it would be better to say, to let people know you are Gay or Lesbian--based on my own and my friends' experience trying to do that gracefully. With the possible exception of parents and siblings (who may have a large emotional investment in their existing expectations), I suspect that at this point in history the days of making a big announcement are probably over. In fact, the less of a big deal you make of it the better. The way you let people know you are Gay usually conditions their response, so treating it casually and matter-of-factly offers little opportunity for alarm (if any) or a strong response. The message you want to send is: This is a settled part of my life and I am comfortable with it. Probably the best way to communicate that is not to make any announcement at all but just gradually be more open about your life, your activities, your interests, and let people draw the obvious conclusion. This gives people an opportunity to process the information before they make a response--if any. Then too, many people may already wonder or suspect that you are Gay. After all, people are not dumb. But they may be too polite to ask or mention it, taking your silence to mean that you are not comfortable discussing or acknowledging it. What message about being Gay does that send? So silence in the name of personal privacy is not a neutral option. What heterosexual avoids mentioning his or her primary relationship (husband, wife) in the name of privacy? Perhaps the best occasions to suggest you are Gay is when being Gay is a subsidiary factor in what you are talking about. Examples would be something Gay-related you accomplished and are proud of or something good that happened to you in connection with being Gay. The message here is that you are inviting the other person to share your obvious happiness and pride in that particular thing. Few people will be so churlish as to refuse. For instance if you won a trophy in your Gay bowling league, or your leather club donated a lot of toys to a children's charity, or (in Chicago) your partner was elected to the Gay and Lesbian Hall of Fame. It needn't be this significant, of course. You can probably find other things in your Gay life you are proud of. Another way to let people know you are Gay without a coming-out announcement is to mention some ordinary Gay-related activities in your life. For instance, to the common workplace query of "How was your weekend?" you could mention that you had a bunch of guys over to watch "Brokeback Mountain." Or you went to see that new exhibit of Andy Warhol pictures. Or your reading group is reading "The Mayor of Castro Street: Life and Times of Harvey Milk." In answer to the obvious follow-up question you can explain who he was. If you have a partner it is even easier. "What did you do on your vacation?" "Jim and I went to Toronto to visit friends." Or "What did you do with your weekend?" "Jim and I went to see a play." Or Jim and you went to a fund-raising dinner for some AIDS charity. A particularly good occasion to begin this is when you have just (or recently) done someone a favor or made a significant contribution to a joint effort. The circumstances pretty much preclude anything other than a benign response. The advantage in all these is that you are treating your homosexuality a) as something perfectly ordinary and b) as if it were something you already disclosed to people--so there is no occasion to comment on it. Perhaps it is useful to add a couple of tips. It is best to come out when you are feeling good about your life and your sexuality. Defensiveness and insecurity will communicate themselves to other people and open you to the possibility of negative reactions. Second, when you first start the disclosure process, don't give a speech about Gay rights. That can come later. Concentrate first on making sure you yourself are accepted. If that isn't the case, all the political speeches in the world won't have any effect. Some of Paul Varnell's previous columns are posted at the Independent Gay Forum (http://www.indegayforum.org/www.indeGayforum.org). His e-mail address is Pvarnell(at)aol.com. |
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