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Sunday, Sep 07, 2008
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Ask Michael - 'Ex-Gay therapy' is no solution |
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| Ask Michael - 'Ex-Gay therapy' is no solution | |
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"These are not therapeutic practices that are supported
or endorsed by any reputable clinical organization..." by Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC - SGN Contributing Writer Michael, I am having a lot of trouble coming out and excepting (sic) that I am Gay. I am 23-years-old and am really embarrassed that I like other men. My family is going to freak out. I have heard about therapists who can help people not be Gay and have been thinking about that. Do you know of any in town that could help me? Michael: Thank you for your important email. I can sense your distress and have sympathy with where you are at in your life. Coming out and accepting that you are Gay is a huge step and for most of us; we experienced the concerns, apprehensions, and challenges you talk about. First and foremost, I unequivocally recommend you DO NOT start counseling with any therapist who says he/she will, "convert" you or, "cure" you of being Gay. These methods of therapy are called, "Conversion" or "Reparative" therapies and, in my opinion, the therapists practicing these cause significant harm to the men and women they "counsel." The harm comes when therapists practicing Reparative/Conversion Therapy mask shame and (usually) biased religious agendas behind a presentation of acceptance and love. They perpetuate a false premise that homosexuality is caused by unfulfilled attachments to the parent of the same-sex. Many promote the idea that adults who were once Gay should and can live sexless lives. These are not therapeutic practices that are supported or endorsed by any reputable clinical organization such as the American Psychiatric Association. In fact, many therapists practicing these therapies are asked to leave professional organizations because it is widely accepted that these modalities cause harm. With new technology, more and more evidence suggests that being Gay is biologically based and these theories are supported through new brain imaging techniques. There is no shame in being Gay! However, I know that accepting that you are Gay and coming out is very difficult and fraught with challenges. Coming out causes people distress, anxiety, and sometimes depression. These are normal feelings and can be managed and overcome with appropriate help and support through friends, some family, and/or a therapist who understands the process and issues of coming out and who will support you in accepting being Gay. A good therapist will help you recognize how not accepting being Gay has added burdens to your life that are harmful to you. A skilled therapist will help you be at peace with being Gay so you can achieve the goals you have in your life and help you find the strength you need to face the challenges and feelings you are having as a Gay man. I commented to a client one time that being Gay, "&is a great thing". He responded by asking, "How could it possibly be great?" I explained that for the majority of us, we know being Gay is who we really are and, by embracing it, we finally live happier lives because we accept a core truth about ourselves. This does not mean we live lives that are problem and stress free. It means we can live our lives without the pressure that secrecy, shame, and guilt have on our psychological health and our behaviors. If you need help finding a supportive therapist, please let me know and I will gladly help you in that quest. There are many good Gay/Lesbian therapists in town who understand and can support you in a healthy, appropriate way. Best of luck! Comment from Michael (not included in reply): As I've mentioned in various ways before, coming out and accepting that you are a homosexual is a very personal choice. The challenges we face are very real. It is true that some of us will lose friends/family and important connections when they find out that we are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender. It is true that, depending on where we live in the country, our jobs and housing may become jeopardized. Worst of all, some of us will face threats of violence and some of us have been victims of actual violence. These are all very painful events in life. It is the reality of our current culture. Denying an important part of who we are causes a different kind of pain - an ongoing, internal pain that leads us to being depressed, anxious, scared, and sometimes suicidal. Far too many GLBT people turn to excessive drugs and alcohol to manage that pain and deal with the painful events in their lives. Some stay in the closets far longer than they wanted in order to try to mitigate the impact that acknowledging they are Gay will have in their lives. Some men and women stay out of loving relationships and live lonely lives so they won't be found out. With proper help, individuals can manage and, sometimes, overcome the overwhelming negative feelings about being Gay. Acceptance is very important. Acceptance reflects a sense of self-esteem that is related to behaviors that support us living healthy, loving, fulfilling lives. Acceptance allows us to take important steps in our lives to reach the goals that we have. If you are struggling with coming out, please reach out for some help. Find a professional who will help you and support you. Both the Seattle Gay News (SGN) and the GSBA (Greater Seattle Business Association) are wonderful resources to find accepting professionals. Continue to expand your network of friends who can help you and support you. Take the steps, as appropriate, that reflect a healthy sense of yourself. Finally, adopt the realization that not only do you deserve to be here, but that being here and living a fulfilling life as a GLBT person is a great thing! Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC, can be reached at 206-325-4113, by email at askingmichael@comcast.net or by visiting www.michaelraitt.com. |
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