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Saturday, Sep 06, 2008

The OutField: Coming Out at Outward Bound

The OutField: Coming Out at Outward Bound
by Dan Woog - SGN Contributing Writer Outward Bound courses are intense. During nine days in the wilderness, teenagers can learn more about themselves and the world than in a decade of school. That's particularly true when the program includes leadership and diversity training, like those with instructor Kaki Flynn. So the out Lesbian - a former University of North Carolina rower, and high school track and cross country captain - was surprised when, on the final day of a course in the summer of 2006, a "Take a Stand" exercise stirred up a welter of antiGay feelings. In this exercise, Flynn and other leaders offered a variety of statements. After each, participants placed themselves on a continuum, ranging from "strongly agree" to "strongly disagree." Topics included women's rights, the military, and this: "Gay people should be married and have children." Five of the 12 teenagers disagreed with that statement. "These are kids who go back and become leaders in their schools, and on their teams," Flynn says. "I told them I was hurt. They said they liked me, but I was 'different' from other Gay people." A few months ago, a boy who had strongly disagreed that Gays should marry e-mailed Flynn. He said he missed her and everyone on the course. He mentioned his MySpace page, so she checked it out. It was festooned with rainbows and Gay references. "He'd totally come out," Flynn recalls. "That sent a huge message to me about the importance of what we do. We have to trust these kids to do the right thing. Sometimes that takes time." He is not the only Outward Bound participant to come out to Flynn. Many are athletes - not surprising, given the background she shares with them. She began her sports career as a 10-year-old volunteer at a tennis match featuring, appropriately, Martina Navratilova. After college Flynn worked for the U.S. Olympic Committee until 2002, doing press relations for more than 50 sports. She knew she was attracted to women, but had had no Gay friends or role models. Homophobia was "alive and well" at the Olympics. "I didn't have the information or courage to stand up for myself," she says. "The Gay community kept me from coming out. Gay people I knew were closeted and miserable. I had never met a happy Gay person - especially at the Olympics." She married a swim coach, but after eight months finally acknowledged her feelings and left him for a woman. Ready to move on, she became an Outward Bound instructor. She expected to simply lead outdoor trips, but found herself working with a number of Gay youths. The common bond is often her Nalgene water bottle. Gay teens spot its "Safe Space" sticker, and realize she is someone they can talk to. It takes a while, but sooner or later many of them let Flynn know they're Gay. She may be the first person they've told. Sometimes, Flynn finds an educable moment to come out to the entire group. "Kids ask personal questions, like if I have a boyfriend," she says. "I'll say, 'No, but I'm Gay, so that would be a girlfriend.' I want my coming-out to be a natural part of a conversation. Out in the wilderness, not seeing any other human beings, there's time for conversations. And there's time for kids to process things they might not think about in another environment." One conversation, with a football and wrestling captain from a Catholic school, involved standing up for one's values. He commented on Flynn's sticker, and discussed the macho atmosphere in his school's locker room. Eventually, Flynn asked if he was Gay. "Yeah," he said. "He wasn't out at school, but he did go to a Gay youth group in Boston. Like a lot of kids, he'd compartmentalized his life," she says. "But he also was talking - anonymously - to a teacher at his school about starting a Gay-straight alliance. That was so bold. I told him that's what standing up for your values means." Some coming-out moments are more intense. One group understood that it's not okay to make racial or religious comments. But they did not see why they should be "forced" to accept homosexuality. In the middle of that discussion, one boy blurted out: "I'm Gay." "Two other guys freaked out," Flynn recalls. "They'd been in a tent with him for a month. Nothing happened, but they couldn't deal with it." One left the discussion and never returned. But after 20 minutes the other did - and hugged the Gay youngster. Flynn is surprised by how many Gay youths test themselves on Outward Bound trips - and how many are not only athletes, but captains. She realizes it is not a coincidence. "For Gay kids, sports can be a haven," she says. "The kids I see are burly athletes. They've pushed themselves to excel. I guess if they can't fully be themselves in school, they pour themselves into sports." Thankfully, Flynn is there when they come out of the wilderness. Dan Woog is a journalist, educator, soccer coach, Gay activist, and author of the "Jocks" series of books on Gay male athletes. Visit his website at www.danwoog.com. He can be reached care of this publication or at OutField@qsyndicate.com.

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