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Ask Michael

I found sobriety another way
by Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC - SGN Contributing Writer Dear Mr. Raitt: I read your reply to a question in the current SGN and want to suggest that there are a wide range of options other than 12 step groups to beat an addiction. 12 step programs do not work for everybody. For me as a life long agnostic "turning it over" to a "higher power" just does not resonate. I believe it does harm to people to tell them they are "powerless". My journey to sobriety was successful precisely because I decided I was not powerless and that we all have the innate power to decide what we do to our bodies. So, one day a couple of years ago, I set a quit date and decided never to drink again for the rest of my life. When I did, the problems associated with drinking fell away without ever attending one meeting. Some of what I did to become a tea totaler (sic) I learned from Rational Recovery, which also reminded me that since I quit drinking that the label "alcoholic" no longer applies to me. Besides R.R. there are a number of other equally valid approaches like Secular Organizations for Sobriety and countless others. I think it would do your readers a service to make these options known to all who face an addiction. [Editor's Note: This email has been edited for publishing purposes.] Michael: Thank you for your email and congratulations on your sobriety! I do agree with you that 12 Step is not a program that works for everyone. No program, treatment, or philosophy works for all people. People who are struggling with addictive/compulsive behaviors need to know that there are other options available that can be successful. Many people manage and stop their addictions without the 12 Step program. It is critical to note that if you are achieving your goals through 12 Step, please continue! I am NOT criticizing 12 Step - many have had their lives saved and changed by working the steps. 12 Step works very well for some people. As I mentioned in my other article, regardless of the path you choose, there are qualities of a good program; support, insight, commitment, and accountability. Insight helps you address the issues that are leading one to use. Commitment and accountability provide structure to maintain your progress. Support from others provides perspective regarding your past, present, and future and is important in how successful the other aspects are. It is probably true that the path you've undertaken has these qualities and I applaud you for the success you've had. Success in recovery is what is important, whether it is through R.R., 12 Step, or one-on-one therapy. I tell my clients all the time to be, "informed consumers" and to find what works for them and I support them in finding that. Again, congratulations on your sobriety. Hello Michael, I have just read one of your columns& My situation is [that] I am seeing a married man. We met online, and for me, it was just to be a 'sex date'. Nearly a year later, we are both in love with one another, but he seems to not have the will to change the status quo. Which is basically still just sex! We communicate every day, via emails and IM, frequently an hour or more, and in person for a quick break at the end of the work day. Physically, we are together about twice a week. [I'm] [r]ather deeply involved, certainly [he means] more to me than just a fuck bud! For me, I would be ecstatic to take it to a higher level, even a life partnership. He on the other hand has two kids, a 'straight' appearing lifestyle, and a sexless marriage. He has always said he is very concerned with what others think and that he is a mess and really doesn't know what he wants. I've tried to actually end this relationship, but find that I love him too much. Like all the "other women" before me, am I just a fool? I know there is a huge amount [of men] left out here, but, just on the surface, what do you think? [Editor's Note: This email has been edited for publishing purposes.] Michael: Thank you for your email. This is clearly a very complex situation and emotional for both of you. I imagine there are a lot of mixed feelings for both of you in light of how the relationship has evolved emotionally. I want to be respectful about the complexity of your relationship, so, I will only offer some things to think about. You may want to explore them further with your boyfriend, a professional, or someone who is close to you. Being in a relationship where one partner cannot fully participate can be very difficult for both men. For a variety of reasons, the pressure your boyfriend is facing to stay in the marriage, and with his family, out-weighs his ability to continue to build a stronger relationship with you and, hence, maintaining the, "status quo". These are things he may want to consider talking to someone about (if he isn't already). You haven't given me enough information to know whether his wife/family knows about your relationship with him or not. Depending on the answer to this, you may want to get in touch with where your, "ethical compass" is regarding maintaining a relationship that is based somewhat on deceit. You may also want to reflect on whether you feel you are more emotionally invested than him. As well, you may want to ask yourself how much more emotional investment you want to make into a relationship with a man who may not ever be able to commit to the level you want. Based on the little that I know and the inferences I am making, there seems to be a lot of fear within the relationship; potential fear of being found out, fear of falling more in love, fear of being hurt or hurting others (wife, kids, you, boyfriend, career, lifestyle). How does the fear affect your relationship together? Clearly, there are some important factors that need to be addressed. As you know, you can't pressure him away from his family and you have to decide how much more involved you want to become. Can you accept that, possibly, your relationship with him will not sustain itself due to factors that are keeping you two from growing together? I have only to believe that you two are great guys. Your circumstances are preventing you from deepening your relationship. Regardless, you are both going to be faced with some hard decisions. Open a dialogue and start talking. Get professional help if you need it. Both, reflect upon your, "personal ethics" and how you want to live your lives. I wish you both the best of luck. Michael Raitt, MA, LMHC, can be reached at 206-325-4113, by email at askingmichael@comcast.net or by visiting www.michaelraitt.com.