Friday March 30, 2007 SGN.org |
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Volume 35 Issue 13 |
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Sunday, Oct 12, 2008
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General Gayety by Leslie Robinson |
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| 'Sway Silly | ||
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Item: The AP reported that "Philippine police issued a warning this week to gay officers not to sway their hips or display other suggestive behavior while on duty or they could risk losing their jobs." We take you now to a bar in Manila popular with off-duty policemen. Danny orders a beer and sits down next to Manuel. "I am beat," announces Danny. "An extra shift doing traffic." Manuel responds, "That shouldn't tire you out, virile young thing that you are." "The hell it doesn't. Have you tried directing traffic without moving your hips?" "Oh, let me picture that." Manuel closes his eyes. "I see a handsome 20-something in his policeman's uniform, standing boldly amidst Manila's worst traffic, totally snarling it up as he moves like an arthritic robot." "Hey!" Danny protests. "It's hard!" "Danny, I think you're taking this warning too seriously." "Easy for you to say. You sit at a desk all day. If your hips sway nobody notices, except maybe the copy machine." Manuel smiles. "I've never been much of a swayer. Neither are you, actually." "Doesn't matter. I'm not giving anyone an excuse to fire me." Danny takes a swig of his beer. "Where did this stupid rule come from, anyway?" "I can only guess. Maybe the big shots think policemen should act more macho. Or maybe some gay cop got caught on his knees while on duty, being far too helpful to a member of the public." Danny lowers his voice. "I'd like to see them make rules for straight people. If the superintendent is so worried about gay guys swaying our hips and having 'lustful conduct' like he said, then he should be worried about straight guys too. If we can't sway our hips, then straight cops can't . . . can't . . ." " . . . puff out their chests?" offers Manuel. "Shine their aviator glasses? Strut?" "Whatever straight men do to attract women. It's only fair." Manuel flashes a benevolent smile. "Oh, you youngster. So naïve. Believing life should be fair. It's touching, it really is. Listen, we've got it better than other places in the world. At least we can be cops. Do the arresting instead of being arrested for being gay." "Maybe," Danny grunts. "All I know is when I walk, I got to think about walking, not my job. I'm thinking so hard I wouldn't notice if a nun got strangled right in front of me." "I'll alert the convents," says Manuel. "My cousin sure sways his hips. He can make them move like a hula dancer. He's in the army." "How does he survive?" "He knows how to turn his motor on and off." Danny finishes his beer. "I'm no swisher. But I'm afraid I'm gonna turn into one. All this thinking about how I walk-I can't remember how I used to walk. My legs are confused." "Imagine if you have to run." "God, I forgot about that! My legs'll get all tangled up. I'll never catch anybody. I'll be fired for sure." "In that case," says Manuel, "you may as well go back to your old way of walking." "No sir. I'm gonna learn how to walk masculine." He rises and walks carefully to the bar for another beer, then returns to his seat. "How'd I look?" "Constipated." "Oh no," moans Danny. "Wait. Maybe that's good. I always thought John Wayne looked that way." Leslie Robinson lives in Seattle. E-mail her at LesRobinsn@aol.com, and read more columns at www.GeneralGayety.com. |
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