February 2, 2007
Volume 35
Issue 05
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Sunday, May 31, 2020



Sex Talk by Simon Shepard
Getting started with SM
Many a man yearns for forbidden fruit. The sometimes-vexing question is how to take that first bite...or even a second taste. "Once I went over to this older fellow's house," recalls a dude in his 30s. "He was a strict leather dad who made me strip, then hid my clothes, spanked me, and stuck a dildo up my butt. The experience was a little overwhelming, and kind of scary. But I never forgot it, and now I'd like to try being submissive again. I'm just not sure how to go about it safely. I've tried hooking up with guys online, but they're either veteran masters who seem turned off by my inexperience, or relative beginners who sound as confused as I do."

Yes, if you're just getting kinky, figuring out who to play with can be as tricky as deciding what you'd like to do. Merely being cute may not cut it - mastery counts. One experienced pervert points out, "If you're exploring, it helps to have a guide who's familiar with the territory."

Novice submissives often have stereotypical ideas of how a scene should go, expecting their doms to follow some sadistic script, but guys who have been playing for a while usually develop their own particular approaches. Another seasoned sadist grouses, "I'm tired of newbies who refer to themselves as 'slaves,' but demand I tell them everything I'm going to do, or, worse, try to dictate the terms of the scene. I understand the need for reassurance, and I'm all for negotiation, but at some point a supposed submissive should, well, submit."

Masochism needn't be mindless, of course. The sensible submissive - whether a newbie or a seasoned slut - will talk things over with his top before getting down on his knees. He'll truthfully tell Mr. Sir about his level of experience and his limits, and, respectfully, suggest where he hopes the scene will go. He's also entitled to know the same about his master-to-be. And the two should set up a safeword to signal when it's time to back off, at least for a while.

But at some point, the beginning bottom really should relinquish control and just sink into what's happening. It may not be precisely what he'd previously envisioned. It might be scarier, sweeter, more painful, even kind of boring. If sex is full of surprises, then kinky sex is even more so. And that's a good thing...usually.

Though it's generally advisable for virgin SM-sters to start at the bottom, letting an experienced top set the scene, that's not always the case. Some guys are dominant by nature, and want to stay that way. There are many scenes - water sports, for example, or foot worship - where a beginning bully can just wade in and improvise. But when it comes to more complex stuff, such as rope bondage or flogging, it's vital the top know what he's doing, or the scene may well end up a flop (or worse, actually harmful).

Erotic education can be a great first step for the burgeoning bully. There are plenty of excellent how-to manuals out there, on subjects ranging from caning to genital torture, and most urban areas with sizable leather communities play host to classes on kink. But nothing's nicer than apprenticeship to a seasoned master...though even that has potential problems. Recalls one cute pain pig, "I was at a play party with my master. A would-be dominant came up, explained he was inexperienced but eager, and asked if he could help work me over. My top checked it out with me, and I gave my go-ahead. But once we all started playing, it was obvious that the new guy not only had no idea what he was doing, but he resisted following my master's guidance. I felt pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing, so I safeworded out of the situation."

Whether you're a blushing novice bottom or a nasty top-to-be, getting into kinky sex can be a challenge. But it can also be a thoroughly enjoyable, jizz-drenched delight. No, buddy, you won't know just how it feels to be tied up and screwed, or to spank a blindfolded boy, until you try it. Maybe it will be a letdown, or even a turnoff. In that case, you never have to do it again; that's your right.

But hey, instead of just wanking to fantasies, why not give the real thing a whirl? And if someday you turn into a hardcore, collared slaveboy, remember the man who was patient and generous enough to start you on your training, and think, fondly, "Thank you, Sir."

Simon Sheppard is the author of Sex Parties 101, Kinkorama, and In Deep: Erotic Stories, and can be reached at Visit Simon at

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