February 17, 2006
Volume 34
Issue 07
search only SGN online
Monday, Mar 08, 2021



the Music Lounge by Albert Rodriguez - SGN A & E Writer
Arctic Monkeys sell out The Crocodile Café six weeks early, release debut album

How hot are the Arctic Monkeys? So hot that if you're reading this now you're already on the late train. But, hop on board and I'll bring you up to speed. The Arctic Monkeys are from northern England and exploded in the UK last year before they even had a record deal. "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor" (SGN's Top Twenty-Five Singles/Tracks, 2005), available only on the group's website, became a huge hit overseas and fans began flocking to their concerts in or near their rural hometown. Record labels dropped to their knees in hopes of signing the soon-to-be giants, with Domino Records (Franz Ferdinand, Clinic) eventually winning the fierce tug of war. The Arctic Monkeys' debut Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not hits store shelves February 21. If you're an alternative rock fan, be sure to grab a copy of the disc at your nearest Sonic Boom or Easy Street Records store. You definitely want to own this CD.

The Arctic Monkeys will perform in Seattle, at The Crocodile Café, on March 29. The show is completely sold out. As in, no mas tickets. This concert is so anticipated that yours truly rearranged a trip to the Southwest just to be here for it. I haven't stopped listening to the Arctic Monkeys CD since I got my advance copy three weeks ago. I'm totally addicted to it. Beginning to end, it screams goodness. Considering the group is likely to explode in the coming months, seeing them in an intimate club will be priceless. I hope you have tickets or know someone who can get you in. By the way, the Arctic Monkeys are very young. They're barely out of high school. And I just got a boner saying that.

Madonna tells "Ellen" audience she'll tour this summer

It's official. Madonna and her colorful rack of unitards are hitting the road this summer. She said it herself on "Ellen". The rumors of an upcoming tour had been circulating before Confessions on a Dance Floor was released in November. Unable to keep the secret inside any longer, Madge broke her silence when she appeared on the Lesbian's talk show during a post-Grammy special Thursday afternoon. Details of the tour weren't announced on the program. So what do I know? Nothing really. I made several phone calls to people in the biz, but none of them supplied me with any news. I know they know that I know they know. And that's why they aren't telling me anything. Because they don't want me to know. Because then you'll know. And then everybody will know. And it'll get back to Madonna, who I assume doesn't want you to know. But as soon as someone leaks me any information on The Material Girl's tour, I'll be sure to pass it on. Until then, support the sale of unitards.

Grammy voters honor music dinosaurs, Kelly Clarkson upstages Mariah Carey

I was out of town last week, so allow me to share my post-Grammy thoughts with you now. First, can John Legend be any sexier? Wow! I mean, wow! He is beautiful. Ditto for Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park. Ditto for Maroon 5's Adam Levine, who can jelly my peanut butter any day of the week. Michael Buble is a handsome son of a gun, though I find his music boring. Speaking of boring, Grammy voters bestowed this year's honors to a number of snooze-friendly dinosaurs, including Bruce Springstein, B.B. King, Emmylou Harris and the worn out Tony Bennett (yes, he's alive). Their predictable wins prevented younger and worthier artists the opportunity of walking away with an award. Bennett could probably fart the lyrics out to "La Bamba" and still manage a Grammy victory. I honestly didn't even know he still sang. I thought he was permanently vacationing in the Caribbean, but I guess not. One can hope.

Kelly Clarkson won two Grammys, beating the screeching and big boobed Mariah Carey twice en route. Poor Mariah. Eight nominations, three wins. None in the major categories. She got all Jesus on us with a full gospel choir in the background during her performance and pitched herself as some spiritual-type. Please. Once a hoochie mama, always a hoochie mama. On the opposite end of the hot stick, Teri Hatcher was smoking! I'd fuck her with my straight friend's dick whenever, wherever. Throw in fellow housewife Eva Longoria and it's a date. Sheryl Crow forgot to rent tits to go with her dress. And of course, we gotta talk about Madonna. That hussy put all those girls at the Grammys in their place. Her performance with Gorillaz rocked Staples Center like no one's business. But 1982 called Madonna, and they want their feathered hair back.

The best Grammy performance was Kanye West and Jamie Foxx's boogie-down skit for "Gold Digger". It was funky, strange, comical and exciting at the same time. Jay-Z and Linkin Park's re-mashing of "Numb/Encore" was incredible, even with Paul McCartney's cameo included. Mary J. Blige was having a Mary J. Blige moment during her duet with Grammy studs U2. She overpowered Bono, who I'm sure was ready to boot her offstage for "one" upping him. Fantasia was so loud that people in submarines submerged in sea could hear her, and I have no idea who the fool singing with her was. But it wouldn't stop me from licking him head to toe. And who knew Faith Hill played a guitar? I didn't even know she sang country. She sounded great alongside Keith Urban, who took girlfriend Nicole Kidman to the awards. Nicole sweetie, how is the view from down under? Finally, Chris Martin of Coldplay is in dire need of a spa treatment. I'll recommend one to him. It's called my shower.

American Idol narrows pool of contestants to twenty-four

The brand new season of "American Idol" is under way and though the final twelve contestants have yet to be selected, I already have two favorites. The first is Chris Daughtry. He's bald. He's sexy. He's got a smooth voice. I don't know where he's from, but he shouldn't have a problem making it into the next round. And if his jeans were any tighter he'd need a box knife to slip them off. The second is Taylor Hicks, a tall dork who plays a harmonica and sings with a lot of soul and a lot of gusto. He isn't the only dork left in the competition. William Makar, a shorter version of John Mayer, and Kevin Covais, a geek in every sense of the word, also made the round of twenty-four. As for the chicks, I wasn't paying attention. Six of them, along with six dudes, will make the final twelve. I can hardly wait. I got it bad for "American Idol" this season, that's for sure.

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