January 27, 2006
Volume 34
Issue 04
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Monday, Feb 24, 2020



Whole Lesbian Sex
sorry, not in this week's edition
It's a frosty January night - you've gathered the blankets up to your chin, but the sheets are cold, and you can't get your 10 little ice-block toes to warm up. Your partner, however, is generating enough heat for both of you. She's got sexual energy to spare. You feel cuddly, but not exactly ready for action.

What to do? Tell her to masturbate.

Not as in, "Go jerk yourself off - don't bother me." Don't roll over in your icy sheets and pull the blankets over your head.

Celebrate her indefatigable desire (a good quality in a girlfriend). Gather her up in your arms, reach for the lube and her favorite sex toy, and envelop her in your love as she enjoys her own delicious capacity for self-pleasure. By holding her as she masturbates, you can maintain your physical connection while respecting your own needs.

You will also become more intimate as a couple. Why? Being seen while masturbating makes most of us feel very vulnerable. It's so revealing. One woman said, "Masturbating to orgasm in front of my partner brings up a lot of my issues around body image. I feel self-conscious because the spotlight's entirely on me - I'm being watched. I worry that I look funny when I come." It's a sign of trust to allow someone to witness you in such an unguarded moment.

And in witnessing your partner's arousal and orgasm, you can offer her a profound experience of acceptance. Your loving gaze is evidence that you value her sexual pleasure. Masturbation can bring with it a beautiful personal intimacy. It's empowering to be openly appreciated and acknowledged and not shamed for masturbating.

You might find yourself getting turned on as she works herself up to a colossal orgasm. Suddenly those January sheets aren't so frosty, after all.

Here are some tips for partner masturbation:

Make your offer in a mood of generosity. ("I love seeing you get turned on. Let me watch you touch yourself.") Your partner's libido is not a problem to be solved.

Kiss her, stroke her, pour on the affection.

Wrap yourself around her. If she's on her back, reach one arm under her head and the other across her torso. Entwine one of her legs in yours.

You can help her along. Play with her nipples, cup her buttocks in your hand, lick her neck - if you feel like it. Don't feel obligated; this is her show.

Whisper sweet somethings in her ear. Tell her it's you holding that vibrator or filling her up with that dildo.

Tell her what you'll do to her next time - when you are in the mood for sex.

Read her a story from Best Lesbian Erotica 2006 or the latest issue of On Our Backs.

Pay attention to her masturbation technique, especially her rhythms of arousal and orgasm. When does she speed up? When does she slow down? As an added bonus, you'll learn more about how to give her pleasure.

You may want to join in. Go for it. Ask your honey to pass the lube. Touch yourself.

You may discover the voyeur in you, and your partner may discover her inner exhibitionist. Every time you take a sexual risk, the possibility exists that you may widen and enhance your sexuality.

You can also invite her to touch herself during partner sex. Sometimes it's just easier to let your partner take care of her own orgasm and leave you free to concentrate on other things - reaming her butt, filling her vagina with your fingers, wielding the G-Spotter, or sucking her nipples. Many women discover that they can come more reliably, more intensely, more easily when they touch themselves during partner sex. And when you are relieved of the job of "making" her come, you may be more creative, more assertive, more confident in pleasuring your partner.

Felice Newman coaches individuals and couples. she is the author of "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us." Visit her at She can be reached at

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